Wasting My Time

I've never had the best luck with love. I thought I fell in love when I was 13, he was funny and sweet and, just my luck, the most wanted guy in school. I braved my shyness and told him how I felt. After that everything changed. We went from being friends to avoiding each other, his friends would whisper and laugh whenever I walked by and I truly felt crushed. It took me a year to get over him.

But he's not who this story is about, that's just an example of the kind of crap I have to put up with when it comes to feelings. There have been more than just him, but he was the worst, and now I am scared it will happen again...

The year started and we have the new people, same old same old, but as we're sitting waiting for the role to be called I see him walk in. At first it was just "Wow he is cute", then I got to know him a little bit more. While he's not the exact definition of Prince Charming, with the flaws that everyone is entitled to, he was close enough to what I had always thought of as my dream guy. The playful eyes, that gorgeous smile and contagious laugh. I found out that I couldn't be sad when I was around him.

Another strange thing I found out, was that I could talk to him, which is a huge thing for me. I have never been able to talk to boys, never had that many guy friends, but that first time I talked to to him I didn't even stutter. I still have my ditzy moments when he catches me off guard and I have no clue how to respond, it's very rare that the guy is the one who starts the conversation to me, but he would always just laugh and then keep the conversation going.

I watch him with all the other girls, and I realised we're not as great friends as I had first thought. He hugs them and punches them in the arm, and once again I realised that I'm just that weird girl he doesn't mind to have a conversation with but isn't even bothered with being great friends with.

I couldn't stop liking him though, as much as I tried. I used to feel confident and happy around him, but then I became self conscious, wondering what I was doing wrong to be treated differently from those other girls.

It got worse. I hadn't told anyone, not even my best friends, but as we were walking home from school I thought maybe I would tell one of them. She beat me to it though... She told me how cute he was and how funny and how much she liked him, almost in the same words I was about to use. I was worried, I won't lie, she is everything I'm not. She has the curves and the beautiful smile, the long blonde hair and the cute giggle. She had the looks every guy wants, and on top of that she had the personality as well. She's confident but modest, competitive but playful, and she could keep a conversation going.

I chose to tell her anyway that I knew exactly how she felt. We realised we were in a bit of a dilemma, both of us liking the same guy, but we agreed that if he ever happened to like the other we wouldn't stop it from happening. Even though she told me she was worried herself that I would have a better chance of him liking me than her, I still knew the chances of him liking me out of anyone was slim.

Another thing we had in common with this unlucky crush was that he didn't treat her like the other girls either. The only difference was that I was sure he wasn't treating her like them because he was shy and liked her, I was still just the other girl he didn't know as well as others.

Me and my friend still have bet currently going. She says that he would choose me, I say that he would choose her. Though just recently it was discovered that almost half the population of our female class has the same crush on him. Just like the last one I liked.

Something made me feel better though was that he has begun to treat me like the other girls. He jokes with me, he punched me in the arm. I even get hugs from him now, even though he's not the one who asks for them (like he does with other girls), he still doesn't complain and smiles when he gives them to me. Sometimes I thought I would catch him looking at me and my heart would soar, thinking maybe it was possible he could think of me the way I think of him.

I still see him with my friend though, and he still treats her differently, but differently from the different he treated me. When he hugs her, he squeezes her, when she talks to him he stares at her, when we're at the beach he races her in the waves and then waits for her to catch up.

I know I should be happy for my friend that she's lucky enough that he likes her, which I'm almost sure he does, but I can't help but have that little bit of me that hates her for it. Even though we agreed that we wouldn't get in the way if he likes the other, I know that if she does end up with him it's going to torture me the entire time.

I've tried for a while to let him go and accept I don't have a chance and that all we can and will ever be is friends, but there's still that little dreamer part of me who sees him choosing me some day. When I'm with him now I am still happy, but as soon as we part I feel like crying. No, not because I'm sappy and don't want him to leave, but because I know how that's how it will always end with us. He will walk away with the occasional hug, not knowing how he makes me feel, and me knowing that if he ever knew history would repeat itself and I wouldn't only lose him to my friend, but also lose him as a dear friend.

I still like him and fear that I'm even falling for him. I'm scared because I know that if I fall I will be down for a long time, and while I've fallen I will be trampled all over and it will hurt more than anyone else.