I can't believe it

I remember it so clearly. Which is the reason why it hurts so much. 

Early March on year, I joined my school's ski club thing. I always love getting lost in the moment, where I'm going so fast my heart stops. So I went with my friend to all the meetings. 

Now on the last meeting. My friends and I went to our lessons, go down a couple a runs then have dinner. 

Well at that dinner something had changed. There was someone new, that I didn't know. I have always been shy so I just ignored him. Everything time, I looked in his direction, I saw him staring at me. I really wanted to know why he kept doing that. But i just ignored him.

When my friends and I left, asked them who he was. But the funny thing is that they didn't know. My friend's boyfriend and his friends knew him but she didn't. Oh well I just decided to leave it at that. 

I was the only one of out my friends who skis. I hated waiting for them and they knew it. So on one run we decided to wait for the guys. Except my friends didn't think of getting themselves ready before the guys showed up. The new guy from dinner looked at me again, and smiled. I rolled my eyes at my friends and him too. 

One of the guys (not the new guy) decided just to go. I looked at my friends giving them the please look. They told me to get out of there and they meet me down at the bottom. So I took off. Realizing the new guy (lets just call him Alex) was following me. 

Then Alex shot right pass me, i didn't care I was just enjoying the moment. Alex was there waiting at the bottom. I joined him (for just the waiting part). My friends were incredibly slow and cautious unlike me. 

The time it took for them to get down here was torture. So then Alex just said "Lets just go on without them" I was stunned. So without any words I went with him. While we were on the chair lift, my shyness got the better of me. But at the end of the ride he told me his name and I told him mine. 

The next couple of lifts we started talking endlessly. On one of them my friends joined me and Alex. His friends were behind us. They kept yelling at us like: "Come on do it already", "You ditched us for her, so why not?". I never understood what they were talking about. 

Months passed and now a month after starting grade ten. 

I got a message from Alex, he asked me how I was doing and things like that. Then he asked me if I liked him back then. I couldn't deny we did have chemistry. So i replied yes i did, he told me he thought so and he liked me too. 

Funny fact about me i'm a hopeless romantic, no help in denying it. 

So talking to Alex reminded me of my old feelings for him. They were destroyed when I found out he had a girlfriend. Well we were doing "on and off" communication. 

I was sad when his girlfriend broke with him. But then a few weeks later i got a boyfriend. We were not talking then, but around December we started again. 

Before we started talking again, I made up my mind to break up with my boyfriend. So when I told Alex about plans, he was asking all sorts of questions. Like: "why are you breaking up", "what did he do", "is this because of me". I told Alex it was my own decision. 

He asked who i liked, I never told him i still secretly liked him. So i replied no one i asked the same thing, he told me its complicated. 

A few days later, he told me he like me, and him i liked him too. So we kept constantly communicating. 

He asked me if i believed in love at first sight, I told Alex that i am unsure. I asked Alex about it. He said I know its real because that he felt when he saw me. Alex also told me he wanted to talk to me alone, when we first met. But I was always with Tina and Kerri. 

A while later, he told me he loved me, I said i love you too. My heart was racing when he told me. 

Few days later we saw each other, it was awkward, then we shared our first couple of kisses. I was completely overjoyed 

Again a few days later he told me that it was crazy how we could be in love since we hardly knew each other. He pulled on my heart strings. I was hurt by his words. 

Again a while later, Alex told me he loved me again. I told alex i still did

Now a few weeks later. Alex still tells me he loves me. Only that he doesn't want to go out. I understand that. 

Now I found at Alex was having a hard time deciding whether to go out with me or another girl. As you can guess he chose her. But keeps me along. 

I think I love him. But it hurts cause I can't get him out of my head. When he is moving on, but still being in love with me. I can't move on because of it. He keeps breaking my heart.

Funny fact about me: I've had my heart broken so many times before. That I think the my heart was never whole in the first place. 

I know what he is doing to me. He is a murderer. A murderer of love. Who is slowly killing me, day by day. I can't resist. I don't know what to do. Please if you have any advice, comment my true story.